Thursday, April 11, 2013

Things You Don't Say To A Writer On A First Date

Let's say you're going out on your very first date with someone. For sake of argument, you're a guy and your date is female. You've reserved a table at a nice restaurant. You bought tickets for the latest hot action movie. A bouquet of spring flowers is sitting in your hot little hand.

The problem is - oh, my God! - you have to talk to her! What on earth do you say?

Here's the problem. She's a writer. You know little about writers except for your impression that most are insane alcoholics who live in garrets. You have no idea what to say to break the ice. Here are a few tips as to what to not say to a writer. If you say or ask any of the following you're likely to get a snarky response, like the first few examples.

1. "Have you written anything I've read?"

Answer:" I doubt it. I don't write for TV Guide."

2. Will you put me in your book?

Answer: "You don't irritate me enough for me to kill you in one of my books."

3. "So you write erotic romances. Wanna fuck?"

Answer: "Sure, but not you."

4. "Would you edit my book for free?"

Answer: "Sure. You're a doctor, and I have this ache. May I stop by your office and have you look at me for free?"

5. [From a painter] "Got any free books to give away?"

Answer: "Would you give me one of your paintings for free?"

The free thing really gets under my craw. Why do so many people think they can get works out of writers for free? You wouldn't ask a doctor for a free checkup. You wouldn't ask a plumber to fix your pipes free of charge. You don't go to a restaurant, eat a nice meal, and then expect to not have to pay for your food. Why expect a writer to create some elbow grease and not pay her for it? Even Craiglist ads either outright say "non-paying", or you find the ads looking for writers that want you to send a resume ... AND write a "test article" or "test story" to see if you're writing is a match for that company. Don't fall for it. Those companies are farming for free material, and you'll never get hired let alone paid.

Here are other examples of what to not say to a writer on your first date.

6. When are you going to get a real job?

7. "Oh, I'm thinking of writing a book, too." And then spend the next hour and a half describing it in full, boring detail.

8. "Oh, I think erotic romances are porn."

9. "So you're a writer... I mean what do you do to make money?"

10. "What did you think of "50 Shades Of Grey"?"

So now you know what to not say if you want a second date. Good luck!


E. A. Black Black writes erotica, erotic romance, speculative fiction, fantasy, and horror. She also enjoys writing retellings of classic fairy tales. Born and bred in Baltimore, she grew up under the influence of Edgar Allan Poe. Her erotic fiction has been published by Mocha Memoirs Press, Xcite Books (U. K.), Circlet Press, Ravenous Romance, Scarlet Magazine (U. K.), and other publishers. Her horror fiction has appeared in "Kizuna: Fiction For Japan", "Stupefying Stories", "Zippered Flesh 2: More Tales Of Body Enhancements Gone Bad", "Midnight Movie Creature Feature 2", and "Mirages: Tales From Authors Of The Macabre". An accomplished essayist, she was the sex columnist for the pop culture e-zine nuts4chic (also U. K.) until it folded in 2008. Her articles about sex, erotica, and relationships have appeared in Good Vibrations Magazine, Alternet, CarnalNation, the Ms. Magazine Blog, Sexis Magazine, On The Issues, Sexy Mama Magazine, and Circlet blog. She also writes sex toys reviews for several sex toys companies.

In addition to writing, she has also worked as a gaffer (lighting), scenic artist, and make-up artist (including prosthetics) for movies, television, stage, and concerts. She worked as a gaffer for "Die Hard With A Vengeance" and "12 Monkeys". She did make-up, including prosthetics, for "Homicide: Life On The Street". She is especially proud of the gunshot wound to the head she had created with makeup for that particular episode. She also worked as a prosthetic makeup artist specializing in cyanotic blue, bruises, and buckets of blood for a test of Maryland's fire departments at the Baltimore/Washington International Airport plane crash simulation test. Yes, her jobs are fun.  ;)

She lives in Lovecraft country on the Massachusetts coast with her husband, son, and four cats. The ocean calls her every day, and she always listens. She has yet to run into Cthulhu.

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