by Tom Olbert
Interviewer:Good afternoon. We’ve been granted an interview with Garth Jenkins, formerly a trucker on the famous “Long Haul” project. Currently, a fugitive from the law. And, a very colorful figure in the ongoing controversy surrounding the “Long Haul” interdimensional trucking line and its corporate owners. Mr. Jenkins has consented to grant us a few
minutes out of his busy schedule. Mr. Jenkins, thank you for your time. Can you tell us a little about your current activities? Mr Jenkins?
Yeah, yeah, in a minute. As you can see, I’m a little busy here. It ‘aint easy diggin’ bullets out of an engine block, y’know.
Interviewer:Uh…yes, I see your truck’s taken quite a beating. This is obviously a dangerous vocation you’ve chosen for yourself, Mr. Jenkins. Of all the paths you could have chosen in life, why the long haul?
Garth Jenkins:Well, what can I say? I’m an ex-con who knows how to drive a rig, so my choices were a little thin, y’know? I learned how to handle myself in the gulf, so I put my talents to use where I could. Like I’ve told my ex-wife Beth about a thousand times: A man spends what he’s earned. No more, no less. Drake, where’s that other wrench?
Sally Drake:It’s where you left it, Jenkins: wedged in the skull of that six-foot cockroach that tried to eat our truck a universe or two back. Can’t you keep track of anything without my help?
Interviewer:That’s your trucking partner, Sally Drake, right? What do you say to the rumors that the two of you don’t get along very well?
Well, that’s B.S. Sal and me? Hand in glove. We were buddies in the gulf, and we’re thick as thieves now. Well, technically, we are thieves, but you get my drift. We’ve been through hell together more times than I can count. I can always count on ol’ Sal to come through for me when the chips are down. Now, mind ya, she can be a right royal pain sometimes…
Sally Drake:Especially when I bag a hot-lookin’ babe he’s got his beady little eyes on!
See what I mean about her being a pain? Well, she’s a damn good trucker, she knows her ordnance, and she can handle herself in a scrap. That’s all you can afford to care about on the long haul. Plus…much as I hate to admit it…she’s as good as they come. She keeps me honest.
Interviewer:What do you say to the rumors that you are the biological father of the child of North Dakota’s controversial governor Candace Williams?
I say, none a’ your damn’ bee’s wax, chum! I said I’d talk about the long haul. I didn’t say nuthin’ about discussing my personal life or Candi’s. Uh…the governor’s.
Interviewer:Uh, Okay. Let’s talk about the long haul. What would you say is the chief danger you face on a typical long haul run?
Chief danger? Well, take your pick. I’ve had to fight my way past monsters you wouldn’t believe. Things that swim in acid, breath poison and eat metal like it was cheese. I’ve had to drive through parallel ‘verses where the sun’s about to explode, where nuclear wars have happened, and where black holes are gobblin’ up the sky. I’ve ended up in time periods from dinosaur times to the battle of Gettysburg and even thefuture. I’ve seen wars between Earth and colonies on the moon. I’ve had to gun it out with aliens, black market truckers, company goons…
Interviewer:Yes, about your accusations against the company you once trucked for…Do you maintain that they’ve sent you to other universes to transport nuclear bombs for the purpose of destroying new universes as they form?
Damn straight. The whole world saw that video Sal and I shot. The company’s been gettin’ away with mass murder for God-knows how long. There’s whole worlds…whole civilizations that don’t exist no more because of those bastards in their high-rise office buildings with their fancy lawyers and high-level D.C. contacts. Some of us are gonna stop ‘em from pullin’ any more of their sh*t or die tryin’! Sal, will you find me that sander, please?
Find it yourself, Garth! I’m busy welding laser holes on the trailer, here.
I gotta do everything…
Interviewer:Mr. Jenkins…some consider you a criminal. A smuggler, a black marketeer. Others call you a hero, transporting badly needed supplies to people who desperately need them. Is there anything you’d like to say to clarify how you see your lifestyle in a moral sense?
Huh…well, I don’t quite know how to answer that. I’ll admit there was a time when I just wanted to turn my back on all of this sh*t the company deals in. I figured it was none of my business. It’s easy not to give a damn’ about people you don’t know, y’know? But, Sal reminded me why I got myself thrown in the brig back in the gulf to begin with. Now, there’s a story. I did what I thought was right. I saved an innocent young girl’s life and they threw me in jail for it. That’s what got me into the long haul to begin with. What it boils down to is…Sal asked me if I’d do it again. I said ‘Hell, yeah.’ I didn’t even have to think about it. Like my daddy always used to say: If there’s a rough road and an easy one to choose from, always bet the rough one leads to the pearly
Sally Drake:Garth, we got company. Smokey’s closin’ fast!
Damn, no rest for the wicked. Pack it up, Drake! I’m drivin’ this time! ‘Sorry to cut the interview short, pal, but we gotta fly before those state troopers get here.
Interviewer:Where are you off to this time?
We’re truckin’ grain seed to Africa illegal, and the company don’t like that. They like it a lot better when folks stay hungry and have to buy food from them. I guess we’re gonna have to take the smuggler’s route through ‘verse 117-A. Low gravity, blood-suckin’ mosquitoes the size of helicopters. ‘Hope we packed the bug spray. Let’s roll, Drake!
Interviewer:Any final words, Mr. Jenkins?
Just keep the sun out of your eyes and the pedal to the metal. Ten-four, good buddy!
Want to read more about Garth Jenkins' adventures in trucking? Grab a copy of Long Haul today from Mocha Memoirs Press, LLC.