Saturday, November 2, 2013

The Problem With Asking Me Questions Is That I Answer Them

Q: How long does it take to write a book?
A: That depends on how good you make it.

Q: What's the hardest thing about catching an editor's eye?
A: Getting someone to throw it to you.

Q: How can I stop people from stealing my ideas?
A: Don't worry, nobody wants them. Ideas are the easy part. You can do that in a day. Writing takes months. Maybe years. There are no new ideas.

Q: Where do you get your ideas from?
A: I steal them. Got a book for me to edit?

Q: Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A: They don't have time.

Q: Did your mother have any children that lived?
A: Nope. Did yours?

Q: Why don't senators use bookmarks?
A: They just bend over the page.

Q: Why don't Buddhists vacuum in the corners?
A: They don't have any attachments.

Q: How much do you have to pay to get published?
A: Time for me to stop joking. Please, please, please don't pay to get published. Readers pay publishers and publishers pay authors. Don't believe anyone who tells you different.

Q: What's the worst part about seeing five lawyers in Cadillac go over a cliff?
A: A Cadillac seats six.

Q: Why can't a pony sing?
A: Because it's a little horse.

Q: What do you call an author without a girlfriend?
A: Homeless.

Q: Why did the cowboy get a dachshund?
A: Because he wanted to get a long little doggie.

Q: Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
A: Mace will do that to you.

Q: How many years do you have to write before you can quit your day job?
A: 42.

Q: Who's your agent?
A: Huh?

Q: Who's your publicist?
A: Huh?

Q: Who's your editor?
A: Huh?

Q: What's the difference between an editor and God?
A: God doesn't think he's an editor.

Q: What's the difference between a golf ball and a woman's G spot?
A: A man will spend 10 minutes looking for a golf ball.

Q: What does a Ziploc bag have in common with a walrus?
A: They're both looking for a tight seal.

Q: What's does it mean when they fly the U.S. flag at half mast at the post office?
A: They're hiring.

Q: What's the difference between a PhD in English and a large pizza?
A: The pizza can feed a family of four.

Q: Why did you start writing?
A: Why not?

Q: Where can I learn more about your writing?
A: Mocha Memoirs Press!

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