Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Ask not for whom the cursor flashes: or times up day! if tomorrow never comes

·                  *Peeks around the corner, scopes out the room, steps on the stage and makes way center front.  Shields eyes from the glare and asks the stage manager to dim the foot lights and bring up the spot light.  House lights drop and music begins softly.*
Today is national Times up day.  The day when we’re supposed to think of all the things we would do and say if it were our last day.   I had intended to blog on time. I even wrote one, but decided it just wasn’t what I really wanted to say.  Then today …today so many things came together that made me think about what I’d do or say if I knew that today was the last day I’d have in this life… in this realm. If tomorrow I didn’t wake up. Or I woke up  in another …space.

Actually, my little brother started the ball rolling by asking several days ago. “what would you do if you knew today was your last 24 hours.”   I answered. Live… just live, and tell people I loved them. I wouldn’t rush about as if I were lost and trying to get things in. As much as I’d like to do certain things…if I knew for sure I was dieing I wouldn’t waste a moment trying to do crazy things. I’d simply slow down and enjoy what is here and now. I’d say a lot of I love yous and I’m sorries. And I’d laugh. I wouldn’t tell people I was leaving. I’d just soak it all up.”
But three days past after I answered and I thought more about the things I want to do…say before I leave this earth.  Here in the living I hold my tongue ( oh hush y’all know I don’t say EVERYTHING that spings in my head) a lot.  I understand that even the sharing that I’ve done in the past makes some people uncomfortable.  As much as I  “tell” there is so much more that I don’t. I learned early on that if I share “enough” I don’t have to share the rest. What I share is designed and strategic. 
But if today were the very last day on this earth for me…in this life there is so much more I’d like to share…to say.
There are people that I’d write lengthly letters to. There are books and books and books of stories I’d tell. Words, never spoken…would be written.  I’d let the alphabet flow from the ends of my fingers and on to the page up until the very last second in the last minute. Like the mighty, flooding Mississippi…the words would fill the pages, breeching levies and washing away dams.  Tearing down walls and  carving through the scar tissue of emotional wounds. Dark and murky and dangerous and unrelenting they would crash like waves against the shores.

I’d tell secrets in the form or an anecdote. I’d clean closets and air laundry all with a smile through salty tears that blinded me from seeing the pain on the page.

I’d rage…rage rage rage like worst storm ever  and then as I struggled to slow my self….savor those last breaths, I’d be still again. Listening only to the beat of my heart and click of the keys and the rasp of air leaving lungs..never to return again.

I’d select all then hit delete… and just as I’ve lived this life…I’d take away all that hurt, anger and pain. I’d tuck it right back into that little box and store it away.  I’d shore up the river and protect those living on its banks with a soft smile.

I’d watch the cursor blinking against the blank page.  Once … twice… three times. Flashing like a quite metronome reading the beat. Waiting for the song of words to join in tempo.

I’d watch, tasting last breaths so sweet. And  shuddering through tears I’d say…In my life… I LOVED YOU MORE….

And when they lower me in the ground…body in repose and spirit free, you yes you would know that seven words spoke volumes, sang songs, told tales.
Some where in a hidden library in a locked away vault all those things never said….never written…knock like a tell tale heart….waiting for me to expound and let them free…

But the cursor will only flash.  And you will know, it flashes for thee.

*tears flow freely unchecked over a wavering smile...spot light clicks of, heels click softly, fading into the distance, house lights come up and butter flies swarm the the theater... stage manager announces  " Miss Riley, Will return next month...fashionably late...unless you know..we can convince her to be on time*

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